bloodofithuriel | (no subject)

[ Yeah but he's your grumpy little bitch, so neener. ]

You really want to do this?

Only if you do.

I don't know if WANT to is the right word. But maybe if I go, people will stop trying to tell me I don't know what I'm doing or what I want like I'm an infant.

You're not an infant. You're new. People worry about you when you're new.

It's up to you Jace.

Yeah. Okay. We can go.
IF you promise to tell me if you're uncomfortable so we can leave, okay? Goes both ways.

I will. You too. I'll message Dick and get some details.

Deal. Let me know when.
Everything else going okay?

Yeah, I guess. I miss her, I hate that we don't know for sure she went home. Worried about Magnus. But mostly.

I'm sorry, my Alec. I miss her too. I wish we could have at least said good-bye.

I wish we could do something for him, to cheer him up somehow.

Yeah. Me too. She could come back, people do. But it's weird to not know whether or not I should hope for that. Just because I'm happier here doesn't mean she was.

Just don't let him spend too much time alone, it's all we can do I think.

I think the best we can hope is that she's happy where she is.

I mean, we can play Shadowhunter sandwich if you want? Not in a dirty way, I just mean, he seems to like body contact a lot, right?

Yeah. How happy were any of us really though? It's hard to tell now.

We can try, he might not let us in right away, but we'll see.

I don't know, Alec. I know she and Maryse had issues. But before I left, she was working with Max to get his rune, and she was enjoying the hell out of it, so.

We can be stubborn though. This is important enough to out-stubborn him.

Yeah.

We can't change anything there, but I don't really want him to be like us.

He might just need some time and talking to first, then we can.

Like us... how? Repressed as hell and hating ourselves? Or overly dedicated to the Clave until we learned better?

Well. You're the bigger Magnus expert here. And home, actually, but I'll follow your lead.

Both? And miserable, mostly.

I'm still learning too, Jace. But I saw him when he was upset before here.

I hope, if we take nothing else back. Even if we lose... us? That we don't lose the realizations about ourselves.

I know. I mean... I just mean you've known him longer here? Than I have. I'm still stumbling around trying to make sure I'm not bothering him.

People who left and came back said they didn't remember anything while they were here. Like nothing here never happened. But maybe they're wrong.

I don't think you would be. He likes people, and he's usually honest if he wants something - even if that's space.

Angel, this place is so fucked up sometimes.

I know. I just... don't want to overstep.

Yeah. Sometimes. It's probably more screwed up that I don't want to leave though.

Just ask him and he'll tell you the truth. But I get it. I worried about it too. That I'd do something that would be too much and more than he wanted from me.

You're happier here. It's not screwed up to want to keep that.

Maybe I'm not ready to hear the truth.

Even if I never want to go home? Which means if I'm selfish, I never want you, or Magnus to either?

Or maybe you're imagining it's the worst thing for some reason? What are you afraid to hear?

Even if it means you don't want to go home. Even if it means you want to stay. Damn, Alec. I want to stay. So I guess we're both selfish.

Me? Imagine the worst thing? Perish the thought.

You do? I you had a chance to go back, you wouldn't take it?

Yeah, you'd never do that. So what is it?

And leave you and Magnus? Hell no.

What am I going to go back to anyways, Alec? A war we weren't winning. A parabatai who has no idea I love him. A father who delights in fucking with my head? No thanks.

Exactly. I am a paragon of virtue. Also, I love you.

[Yes, excellent distraction Jace, Good job.]