bloodofithuriel | (no subject)

Yeah. Me too. She could come back, people do. But it's weird to not know whether or not I should hope for that. Just because I'm happier here doesn't mean she was.

Just don't let him spend too much time alone, it's all we can do I think.

I think the best we can hope is that she's happy where she is.

I mean, we can play Shadowhunter sandwich if you want? Not in a dirty way, I just mean, he seems to like body contact a lot, right?

Yeah. How happy were any of us really though? It's hard to tell now.

We can try, he might not let us in right away, but we'll see.

I don't know, Alec. I know she and Maryse had issues. But before I left, she was working with Max to get his rune, and she was enjoying the hell out of it, so.

We can be stubborn though. This is important enough to out-stubborn him.

Yeah.

We can't change anything there, but I don't really want him to be like us.

He might just need some time and talking to first, then we can.

Like us... how? Repressed as hell and hating ourselves? Or overly dedicated to the Clave until we learned better?

Well. You're the bigger Magnus expert here. And home, actually, but I'll follow your lead.

Both? And miserable, mostly.

I'm still learning too, Jace. But I saw him when he was upset before here.

I hope, if we take nothing else back. Even if we lose... us? That we don't lose the realizations about ourselves.

I know. I mean... I just mean you've known him longer here? Than I have. I'm still stumbling around trying to make sure I'm not bothering him.

People who left and came back said they didn't remember anything while they were here. Like nothing here never happened. But maybe they're wrong.

I don't think you would be. He likes people, and he's usually honest if he wants something - even if that's space.

Angel, this place is so fucked up sometimes.

I know. I just... don't want to overstep.

Yeah. Sometimes. It's probably more screwed up that I don't want to leave though.

Just ask him and he'll tell you the truth. But I get it. I worried about it too. That I'd do something that would be too much and more than he wanted from me.

You're happier here. It's not screwed up to want to keep that.

Maybe I'm not ready to hear the truth.

Even if I never want to go home? Which means if I'm selfish, I never want you, or Magnus to either?

Or maybe you're imagining it's the worst thing for some reason? What are you afraid to hear?

Even if it means you don't want to go home. Even if it means you want to stay. Damn, Alec. I want to stay. So I guess we're both selfish.

Me? Imagine the worst thing? Perish the thought.

You do? I you had a chance to go back, you wouldn't take it?

Yeah, you'd never do that. So what is it?

And leave you and Magnus? Hell no.

What am I going to go back to anyways, Alec? A war we weren't winning. A parabatai who has no idea I love him. A father who delights in fucking with my head? No thanks.

Exactly. I am a paragon of virtue. Also, I love you.

[Yes, excellent distraction Jace, Good job.]

Yeah. That's how I feel. I know the me there ends up with Magnus, but I don't know if it lasts, I don't know how I feel there or if I moved on from you or just put it away. Here I don't have to. Here I have him and you. And John's here. I'll never have him there. Or Caliban, or Erik or any of the other friends I've made or people I've been with. I hate a lot about this place. But I still choose it.

I love you too, but not an answer.

Good. Now just stop feeling guilty about that fact and you'll be fine. Which, I mean, you're Alec, guilt is what you do, but still.

Nope, it's not!

That's kind of rich coming from you you know. But yeah. I'm doing better, I don't spend hours every night making lists of all my failings I need to fix anymore.

So answer.

I'm learning to embrace my hypocrisy.

I... Angel. Alec.

Ok where are you I need to hug you now.

Hmmm No thanks!

You might really be in the right city then, that's this place's favorite thing.

It's not as bad as it sounds, it's just how I got to sleep. But I'm on the roof.

Gee, thanks.

Ugh. Of course.

What do you mean, of course?

You and your love of heights and a bird's eye view, Alec, my Alec. I should have just looked there first.

Nothing bad. Honest.

Things make more sense when you can get a larger view.